Homestretch.

Well, here we are...less than 5 weeks to go until Ford's due date (4 weeks & 5 days, but who is keeping track???). I have had an incredibly easy pregnancy, compared to some of the stories I hear from other women, so I feel very blessed. But these last few weeks have been quite tough. Ford is a rather healthy boy (ok, he's big!), and just simply carrying him around takes so much energy!...not to mention, I cannot even bend over without getting sick/getting a stomach ache. So, shoes are out of the question.

At my last doctor appointment, they suggested packing my hospital bag and finishing his room, in case he comes earlier than his January 9th due date. So today, I plan on packing that bag, and putting the finishing touches on his room (which is almost finished thanks to Nate hanging all of his pictures over the weekend). It is feeling so "real" to Nate and me that we will soon be parents of a newborn! I do not think I can do anything to really prepare, but I am definitely praying FREQUENTLY for peace, patience, love, joy, etc. for the first few weeks after his birth.

The doctor is also concerned that I may have gestational diabetes (due to Ford's size), so tomorrow I have to re-take the glucose tolerance test (which all pregnant women just LOVE). I am praying that I pass it -- and that Ford is just simply big, which I truly believe is the case.

Other than baby and Christmas preparations, life is quiet for us, which is glorious. Nate's job is really falling into place and he really enjoys it. And I feel thankful to be able to spend these last few weeks at home, just preparing and resting-up for Ford.

In case I do not follow up before, I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas and remembers that the reason we celebrate is because we have a God who loved us enough to send His Son. It can be so easy to forget in the chaos of the holidays.

Merry Christmas!

14 weeks and 2 days...

...left to go! That seems like nothing when you figure pregnancy is 40 weeks total (if you're lucky).

Just a quick update...
Nate:
Nate is doing well! His new (well, not-so-new anymore) job keeps him busy. He does a good job of balancing the stress of his job with maintaining a good home life. (Hear that honey, I really do think you do a good job.) He also enjoys playing on the men's softball team with our church once a week (and I enjoy watching him). He is an amazing husband and I cannot wait to see him become a father!

Ford:
Ford is growing quite big these days. He is pushing 2lbs now...but sometimes with all of his movement, I am convinced he is much larger. I am starting to get to know him better. It is incredible that a woman can say that about her unborn child, but it is true. I know what stirs him, when he's likely to be awake & moving, and just recently I'm starting to feel body parts (mainly just a head or bottom). We have a 3D/4D ultrasound on October 14th, which is exciting! These ultrasounds are incredible because they show so much more detail than 2D ultrasounds. I cannot wait to see his little features!

Me:
I am wonderful! I am trying my hardest to remain active during my pregnancy. This mainly just includes walking 2-3 miles most days of the week, but hey, I do what I can. I really see a different in aches & pains from weeks when I keep up with walking and when I get lazy. It certainly helps with the back pain (helps, not cures). Other than that, I stay busy preparing for Ford and trying to create an organized and calm atmosphere for him to enter into. My big project is Ford's room...painting, organizing, etc. It's hard work but someone has to do it (please catch my sarcasm). I am just feeling VERY blessed to begin living my lifelong dream of being a stay-at-home wife & mother. And it does not hurt having an INCREDIBLE husband!!

That's all from the Wienerts!!

What's in a name?

For those of you who did not catch the news on facebook, Nathaniel and I found out yesterday that we are expecting a baby boy in January! It came as an utter shock to us, but we are overwhelmed with joy.

We decided some time ago that we would name our first born son Ford Edward. Ford is a name that I found on a list of "Popular 1800s names." I wanted something classic yet unique and masculine. Nate agreed that he loved the name. Well, during our trying to conceive journey, Nate and I were browsing in an antique shop (in November 2009). On top of a pile of old advertisements/ads, was a 1950s ad for Ford with a headline that read, "A Ford is in your future!" Nate and I bought it as a leap of faith and considered it a promise from God.

Well, yesterday, when we heard the news that it was a boy, we also felt a sense of peace and excitement that God sometimes gives us miracles and signs that are much more obvious than we deserve. Isn't He great?! A Ford IS in our future!! And let's be honest, our son will probably be the only kid born with his own slogan ("Built Ford tough"). :)

Edward also seemed like a natural choice for a middle name. Nate's middle name is Edward and my maiden name was Edwards. It kind of killed two birds with one stone. In addition, Nate's initials spell NEW and Ford's initials will spell FEW. Small detail, but still. :)

So, for those of you wondering, "Why Ford Edward?" There is your answer!

We are soooooo excited. We cannot wait to meet Ford face-to-face and to share him with all of our friends & family!!

Baby Wienert update.

Well, I am 18.5 weeks today. Time is actually flying. I know they say that the time goes by quickly for everyone except the one who is pregnant...but when I look back and realize that I am almost half-way finished with this pregnancy, I realize that things are moving rapidly now.

Except for last night, when instead of thinking, "Wow, I'm half way through," my attitude was more, "I am not even half-way through???" It really just depends on the day and time. Some times I feel wonderfully and look down at my belly and think, "Wow...life exists inside of me!" Other times, I'm too tired to walk, my back hurts, my stomach hurts, and I think, "Ok...21 more weeks...I can do this..."

But...all I know is...it will all be worth it. I have nightly dreams about our child and I wake up already in love with her/him. How is it possible to love someone that you've never met? Six months ago, if someone asked, "Do you believe you can love someone that you don't yet know?" I would say "Of course not." Today, my answer would be "Absolutely!"

And I can't help but correlating my love for this unborn child to God's love for us. The same miracle that goes on inside a mother's heart happens with God...except His love is even more perfect and even more magnified! If nothing else, pregnancy has helped me realize His love for me. I can only imagine that feeling will get stronger when I actually meet our child and see his/her face.

Well, in 8 days, Nate and I will know the gender of our baby! I really could care less if it is a boy or a girl, as long as he or she is healthy! It will just be nice to know so we can finally start preparing a nursery, shopping, and planning!

Until then...

13.

Well, here I am at 13 weeks. I used to think 13 weeks seemed so far away (especially since we found out we were pregnant BEFORE 4 weeks), but now I realize that it really does go by quicker than you think it will.

Some milestones:

-Things have gotten much better in the last few weeks. I keep the majority of my food down (yay!), except for the random, inexplicable, and completely unnecessary food-rejection that my body does.

-I am back to taking my allergy pill. According to all of my doctors, claritin is A-OK to take during pregnancy. As much as I'd prefer not to take ANYTHING, I just could not handle it anymore. I'm clearly allergic to pet dander, so having two dogs was not working out well for me and baby.

-I finally look pregnant to me, although most probably just think I'm a little chunkier than normal (I'll post a pic below).

-This week, baby can make sounds, suck his/her thumb, and when my belly is poked, he/she will respond by squinting or moving. The movement is what really excites me. For the first time, I feel like the pregnancy is interactive. Although I cannot feel baby move yet, it's nice knowing that when I poke my belly, it responds.

-Nate and I think we've chosen a boy name and a girl name. We like both. It is very exciting!! But for now, we're keeping them on the down low. ;)

My next OB appointment is July 15th, but it will not include an ultrasound (much to my dismay). We will hear the heartbeat, and just do a general check-up. Four weeks from that (August 12th), we should find out the gender at my 18.5 week (almost 19 week) appointment. It seems like an eternity away!!!

Until then...

(13 weeks pregnant)

Boy or Girl Poll

I added a fun little feature to my blog. It is a poll that asks what you think the baby will be...boy or girl? Please humor me and vote with your best prediction!

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Update:

Pregnancy is going well thus far. As difficult as it is, at times, I REALLY enjoy being pregnant!! I am just over 8 weeks and swear I already have a little belly starting. They tell me that it usually doesn't start until 11-12 weeks, but my body just must be different than most.

The most challenging aspect of pregnancy is that I can no longer take my allergy pill. I suffer from horrible allergies, so most of my days are spent sneezing, itching my eyes, and blowing my nose. Fun stuff! Other than that, morning sickness hits randomly (usually at night). But I definitely cannot complain! I'm happier than ever!

Thursday, June 3rd, marks my last day of work at The Ounce of Prevention Fund of FL. I will be watching my nephew and niece (Hunter and Grace) for the summer...and then I will be fulfilling my life-long dream of being a stay-at-home mom/wife. I'm so blessed to have a husband who provides for me and encourages me to do so!! He's the BEST!

That's all from the Wienerts for now. Happy first day of hurricane season (June 1st)!

Ultrasound1

We had our first ultrasound yesterday. It was very bittersweet. Let me start with the positives: we saw our baby, we saw the heartbeat, and the heartbeat is VERY strong! Seeing the "flicker" of the heartbeat was the proudest moment of my life. I kept thinking, "Beat on, heart, beat on!" I am already a proud mama.

The bitter part is that there were two babies, but one baby did not make it (very, very early on in the pregnancy). In addition, the placenta to our healthy baby is starting to separate slightly. This is problematic because the placenta carries the nutrients to the baby for the baby to survive.

The doctor suggested that I immediately stop taking my allergy pills, and rest as much as possible (not bed rest, just general rest). He said no exercise, no lifting, no pulling, bending, and take an elevator instead of stairs when possible. He said that often the placenta will re-attach, and that is what we are praying for!

So, I see another doctor tomorrow (a local high-risk specialist OB/GYN) that will hopefully give us more insight into this issue.

But we are excited about our baby bean...excited to see a strong heartbeat, and counting our blessings that we are parents for the first time. :)

I will keep this blog updated...and I will hopefully add ultrasound pictures, once I get them scanned.

Thanks for the prayers! We have the GREATEST friends and family!!!!

Trust.

I always thought that surviving infertility took the most trust in God that I would ever need. And it does take a lot...but let me tell you what else I've discovered takes mega trust in God: being less than 5 weeks pregnant, not necessarily "feeling" pregnant, and hearing tons of horror stories about miscarriage.

On a daily basis, I: #1) praise God for this amazzzzzzzing gift, #2) pray a prayer of protection over "baby bean" (or "speckle"), and #3) pray for faith in His will. I truly, truly believe that God did not give "baby bean" to us as a tease...that this is truly a gift. An 11th hour gift from Him. And what an amazing gift it is!! However, the doubts continue to seap in.

But five pregnancy tests and two blood tests later...I am still pregnant with this miraculous creation! God is soooooo good!!!

By the way, I had a second round of blood work done on Monday. It showed that my HCG levels increased from 144 (on Friday) to 597 (on Monday). Which is awesome and definitely good news!!

The ultrasound is in less than two weeks and it cannot come soon enough.


Until then...

My God is mighty to save.

First of all, let me just say that we have an incredible God. Above all else, I just want everyone to know how amazing He is! Let me also tell you a little trait that I learned about Him...He is an 11th hour God! And thinking back on popular Bible stories, it's true that He was the same then as He is now. He may not spare us pain and hardship all the time, but He certainly comes in and saves us!!! I cannot stop singing the song, "My God is mighty to save" by Hillsong. It's so true.

So you might be wondering what I am talking about...well...I AM PREGNANT! Nate and I found out by taking a test last night (and another test...and another test...) and then we confirmed it with a blood test today! My numbers look great -- and I am officially pregnant!

What floors me is this...this was our last month of fertility treatments. Next step was adoption. And yesterday...my goal was to talk to the adoption agency and lay out all of our plans for adoption. Well, the phone calls were inexplicably staticy and I couldn't hear a word the adoption agency was saying...it was frustrating...but I was reminded by God, in that moment, that even if adoption is not working out, that we prayed for HIS WILL to be done, and it WILL be done.

So, I finished the afternoon with ZERO accomplished in the adoption planning...and just gave it up to God. And then...what do you know...took a test and it was positive! God is amazing. Have I already said that?!?! :)

Without this journey...we would not know that we really desire to adopt. Just because we are having a child of our own, that desire is still deep within us. We still plan on adopting in the future -- and that is not something we would have known without the process of infertility.

So...right now...we are praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy and baby. I already find myself praying for the baby -- that God keeps him/her safe. And I really don't doubt that He will. The next blood test is on Monday -- and it will further confirm that my levels are rising, as they should.

But so far so good!!!!! :)

Thanks everyone for the prayers!!!!! I really, really mean it!

My life's prayer.

Psalm 143:7-10 (The Message translation)

7-10 "Hurry with your answer, God!
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland."

IUI3 [the final one] & other notable events

First thing this morning, I want to just give God glory for His perfect timing, His perfect will, and His unending love for us! He and I frequently battled over the last 17 months, but in the process, He refined my heart. And I am so thankful for that! I needed it...badly.

Well, yesterday Nate and I woke up at 4am and drove to Jacksonville for our 7am appointment to do the last IUI (#3). On Friday evening, I gave myself the HCG shot and we insisted to our doctor that we wait at least 36 hours before we do the IUI. I felt like our doctor was timing it wrong and was missing my brief ovulation window; so, we become advocates for our own health and decided, as our last try, to do it OUR timing. This will leave no question marks or "what ifs" for the future. We tried clomid, we tried femara, we tried natural, we tried IUIs, we tried the doctor's timing (twice), and we tried our timing (once), so that left no stone unturned.

Because it was a Sunday morning, the on-call doctor performed the IUI. I found him to be very personable, and he made it a great experience; except, it was much more painful than the past IUIs. I don't know why that is...but I am still feeling a bit of discomfort from it. I'm not complaining, it just makes me curious as to why it never hurt in the past.

So all in all, I'm glad we stuck it out and finished this month strong. We will know the outcome in approximately 14 days...but either way, we are excited, because God is totally in control! And these days, I'm finding that completely exciting!! Whatever happens is His will...isn't that cool?

If the test is negative and this month is a failure (although not really a failure), then we will start the home study in May to begin the adoption process. This is also something that excites me. Even if we are pregnant, for our next try at parenthood, we would like to adopt. I believe God has laid this on both of our hearts for a very big reason. And I do not want to forget or ignore that calling.

In other news, Nate is starting his new job today! New jobs can be scary to walk into, so I am praying for peace for him today and that it is a smooth transition. I know he is excited and nervous all at the same time! We have big changes coming -- it is all very exciting!

No tragedy.

Lately I have become very isolated. I know I am doing it to myself; but, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows exactly what I am going through. They can sympathize, and they can imagine, but they don't really know. I feel like I am in stuck in the ocean in a blow-up raft while everyone else is sailing on a cruise ship. I can see everyone having a great time on their ship and I want to be there too...but I am so worried about staying afloat, that I can't seem to find a way to jump out of my own raft and climb up to their ship. And any time someone screams over the side of the ship, "Hey! Why so serious?!...come have a good time!!" I think, "Well, I would like to, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in this raft and have to worry about staying alive."

I have SO MUCH on my mind lately. And my mind is constantly going...even in sleep. I hardly feel rested, and am constantly on the verge of tears...because I am drowning in my worries.

My entire life I have known only one thing: I want to grow up, marry an amazing man (which I did, thank God!), and become a mom (specifically, a stay-at-home mom). That's all. That is it. If I had to sum up my dreams and ambitions in one sentence it would be: Get married and have babies. Simple as that. So, suddenly I find myself in the position where my life, as I knew it to be, is turned upside-down. All of a sudden, my definition of "mother" has to change. And my goals have to shift. And my actions have to be held accountable to my God who is directing my life. So, just because I want to have a baby grow in my belly, does not mean that is what I get. Because we feel very strongly about the fact that God does not want us to do invitro fertilization.

So here we are...if this month is unsuccessful, we have decided to adopt. For about a week, after we made that decision, I felt on top of the world! I was soooooo excited!! I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders! I felt freed from the bondage of infertility!...Until the comments started coming in...people say things like, "Well, I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own." Or, "I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" Or, "Wow, well, good luck...that takes a strong person." And all of these are harmless comments, on the surface, but if you dissect them, they are hurtful to someone who has dealt with this and has come to terms with it. Let me tell you what I hear when you say the following:

-"I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own" = "After you adopt, maybe you can have a REAL child and REALLY be a mom someday."
-"I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" = "Your living, breathing, adopted child is not a miracle..." (when, to us, it will be!)
-"That takes a strong person" = "It must be hard to settle."

So, first of all, I want it to be known, that if Nathaniel and I adopt, it will be OUR child, just as much as anyone else has his/her children. Second of all, I do not want anyone to feel "bad" for us. If we adopt, then we have accepted that is the route that God wants us to become parents. It is not a lesser form of parenthood, nor is it fake parenthood. It is real. And whether or not a child comes from your particular womb, does not make you a father/mother. What makes you a father/mother is getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries, feeding your child, picking them up when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, holding their hands when they start to walk, letting them sleep with you in a thunderstorm, disciplining them in love, listening to their hopes/dreams, mentoring their hearts, etc.

What I have come to accept is: there is no tragedy here! Nathaniel and I will be parents, one way or another. And God is the One who chooses which path we take...not us! Yes, there is a bit of sadness. As we bury the dreams of what we THOUGHT parenthood was, new life is born in the form of what we are learning parenthood really is! There is joy in the sadness.

So...I am putting all of this out there to start climbing out of my raft. I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself...and I am done expecting others to understand what I am going through. I am also done worrying about what others say and think. I want our friends and family to be just as excited as we are! New life is being born within us!...God is digging up what I "knew" to be true and He is transforming that!!...This is an exciting time! Be excited with us!

So, I am going to jump out of my raft and climb up to the cruise ship and sit back and enjoy the sunshine that only God provides! He is my life-rope out of there! And I am going to sit comfortably in the place that He has put me in! I am praying that the Holy Spirit washes over me takes this drought from my mind and heart and gives me an overflowing of joy!

The crazy cycle.

Well, I just had my 1st ultrasound of the cycle and got the "all clear" from my doctor to begin the crazy cycle for our next and final IUI attempt. I am switching fertility drugs from Clomid to Femara this month, as a means of switching things up, because what we were doing obviously was not working. I feel semi-excited just to change things, even in the slightest way. I truly believe that if you have the same factors, then you will have the same outcomes...and I wanted to change at least one factor. Praise the Lord for the small excitements that come along with this process...without them, I think I would lose what little sanity I have left. :)

Please continue to pray with Nate and myself as we embark on some very tough decisions, that we hoped we would never have to contemplate. We believe we have narrowed our options down to two (for the time being): A mini IVF or starting the adoption process. Both are costly...but both would be worth all the money in the world.

As we begin this month, I have made a small adjustment. Instead of just pushing forward and doing anything and everything possible to be a parent, I want to stop at each decision and ask God to close the doors He wants closed and open the doors He wants opened. I know that seems like such a small detail, but it is a detail that I forgot to consider many times on this journey...and I refuse to forget it from now on. We are confused at which way to turn, and we are just praying for God's clear and obvious direction.

Thanks for all of the prayers! We love our supportive friends and family!

April FOOLS

Emphasis on the word "fool." That is pretty much how I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had to use the restroom. Well, today was test day, so I decided it was the best time to test...but much to my dismay, the test was negative. Should I be surprised?

A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."

Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.

We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.

I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.

Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.

A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.

Nerves.

I am nervous. Test day is fast approaching. I feel like a lot if riding on this month being successful. Statistically, the chances of getting pregnant after this month decrease each month from here on. But, I know our God is not a God of statistics.

But most importantly, I am tired. My mind, body, and soul are all tired. This process has taken a toll on me and I just keep praying that it is over soon.

Nate and I have a lot of difficult decisions coming up over the next month, should this month not be successful. I am praying that God spares us those tough decisions and gives us a great blessing that we have been praying for!

There is a part of me that is just certain that this is the month. We have come too far to be pessimistic. We have far better of a God than to doubt His ability. The other (small) part of me wants to protect myself by continually finding reasons why I do not think I am pregnant. I am fighting that part of me and trying to find solace in the fact that God is good. Everything He does is good...even if I never am pregnant.

"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action..." Matthew 18:20 (The Message)

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PCOS Fact:
PCOS is the most common hormonal problem in women. It is a metabolic disorder that effects several body systems and can cause significant long-term health consequences. PCOS is often characterized by enlarged ovaries, with multiple small painless cysts or follicles that form in the ovary. It is the leading cause of infertility in women.
Source: http://projectpcos.org

IUI2

Well, on Wednesday, March 17, Nate and I went back to Jacksonville for IUI #2. We just returned from a rainy vacation, so the last thing we wanted to do was wake up at 5:30am to hit the road for Jacksonville, BUT it is what our doctor strongly recommended (after a Tuesday morning ultrasound).

So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.

As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.

Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
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PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.

PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.

Close [but no cigar].

It wasn't our month. Perhaps March will be. And so begins the ultrasounds, the clomid, the hcg shot, the IUI...and the worst part of all...the waiting...

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14

Bruised by not broken (IUI1).

This week included a range of emotions. I felt everything from hope to despair, excitement to boredom, stress to joy, and so on! After so many months of heartache, I am having a difficult time letting myself feel excitement at all. Which is why I have already started the self-preservation process of talking myself out of the possible success of this month's IUI. I am fully convinced that the timing was off, so I really do not have high expectations for a positive outcome or a BFP (big fat positive), as used in "trying to conceive" lingo.

This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.

Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)

Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.

Until the next update...

Screaming from the rooftops

A blog is intended to be an emotional outlet and I desperately need a method of letting my feelings and exhaustions released in a constructive manner. This blog has been primarily dedicated to the updating of Nate and my life together, and that update would not be complete without a description of our entire life. Nathaniel and I are on a journey together. Here is our story.

January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.

February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.

May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.

August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).

November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.

December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.

January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.

February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.

We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.

I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.

2009. The year of maturity.

At the end of each year, I like to take a look back at the trials, blessings, and events of the previous 365 days. This year, however, I had some difficulties overcoming my feeling of bitterness towards the year 2009. As Nate and I rang in the new year, I found myself welcoming 2010 more than I found myself missing 2009, which is unusual for myself. New Years Day was more about embracing a fresh start than it was about reminiscing a year lost.

Why, you ask, was 2009 so awful? In a nutshell, it wasn't. After all, I have had many (many!) worse years. It just took me a few days to see how wonderfully blessed 2009 was for me.

The Trials:
In the midst of trials, it is hard to see blessings. But according to the Bible, trials ARE blessings. The Book of Romans (5: 3-4) says that trial creates perseverance, which creates character, which creates hope. So, trials lead to hope. The book of James (1: 2-4) says that suffering develops perseverance and perseverance develops into maturity. Verse 4 tell us to not rush the process because we do not want to lack the maturity we need. So let's just call 2009 the year of maturity. Looking forward to 2010, I hope that 2009's maturity leads to growth, in many ways. :)

The Blessings:
Nate is the biggest blessing in my life. I literally feel like the luckiest woman in the world, because I was blessed with such an amazing, thoughtful, strong man of God. We completed our first FULL year as husband & wife. I can honestly say it was wonderful!! As if that is not enough, my mom was also cancer-free throughout 2009. And to add to that, although both of our jobs may not be our "dream jobs," we both still HAVE jobs, which we try to remember to praise the Lord for providing.

The Events:
The noteworthy events of 2009 included:
-"Sisterhood" tattoo with Amy and Angela
-A spring vacation to Panama City Beach
-My first 5k race
-Getting together with my ENTIRE family in Ohio to tell my Grandpa Downing goodbye
-A new sister-in-law (welcome Leigh!)
-A trip to visit Scott in Greenville, SC
-Celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary
-A fall trip to a cabin in the N. Georgia mountains

Welcome 2010.

(I look forward to you what you have to offer.)