Lately I have become very isolated. I know I am doing it to myself; but, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows exactly what I am going through. They can sympathize, and they can imagine, but they don't really know. I feel like I am in stuck in the ocean in a blow-up raft while everyone else is sailing on a cruise ship. I can see everyone having a great time on their ship and I want to be there too...but I am so worried about staying afloat, that I can't seem to find a way to jump out of my own raft and climb up to their ship. And any time someone screams over the side of the ship, "Hey! Why so serious?!...come have a good time!!" I think, "Well, I would like to, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in this raft and have to worry about staying alive."
I have SO MUCH on my mind lately. And my mind is constantly going...even in sleep. I hardly feel rested, and am constantly on the verge of tears...because I am drowning in my worries.
My entire life I have known only one thing: I want to grow up, marry an amazing man (which I did, thank God!), and become a mom (specifically, a stay-at-home mom). That's all. That is it. If I had to sum up my dreams and ambitions in one sentence it would be: Get married and have babies. Simple as that. So, suddenly I find myself in the position where my life, as I knew it to be, is turned upside-down. All of a sudden, my definition of "mother" has to change. And my goals have to shift. And my actions have to be held accountable to my God who is directing my life. So, just because I want to have a baby grow in my belly, does not mean that is what I get. Because we feel very strongly about the fact that God does not want us to do invitro fertilization.
So here we are...if this month is unsuccessful, we have decided to adopt. For about a week, after we made that decision, I felt on top of the world! I was soooooo excited!! I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders! I felt freed from the bondage of infertility!...Until the comments started coming in...people say things like, "Well, I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own." Or, "I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" Or, "Wow, well, good luck...that takes a strong person." And all of these are harmless comments, on the surface, but if you dissect them, they are hurtful to someone who has dealt with this and has come to terms with it. Let me tell you what I hear when you say the following:
-"I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own" = "After you adopt, maybe you can have a REAL child and REALLY be a mom someday."
-"I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" = "Your living, breathing, adopted child is not a miracle..." (when, to us, it will be!)
-"That takes a strong person" = "It must be hard to settle."
So, first of all, I want it to be known, that if Nathaniel and I adopt, it will be OUR child, just as much as anyone else has his/her children. Second of all, I do not want anyone to feel "bad" for us. If we adopt, then we have accepted that is the route that God wants us to become parents. It is not a lesser form of parenthood, nor is it fake parenthood. It is real. And whether or not a child comes from your particular womb, does not make you a father/mother. What makes you a father/mother is getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries, feeding your child, picking them up when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, holding their hands when they start to walk, letting them sleep with you in a thunderstorm, disciplining them in love, listening to their hopes/dreams, mentoring their hearts, etc.
What I have come to accept is: there is no tragedy here! Nathaniel and I will be parents, one way or another. And God is the One who chooses which path we take...not us! Yes, there is a bit of sadness. As we bury the dreams of what we THOUGHT parenthood was, new life is born in the form of what we are learning parenthood really is! There is joy in the sadness.
So...I am putting all of this out there to start climbing out of my raft. I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself...and I am done expecting others to understand what I am going through. I am also done worrying about what others say and think. I want our friends and family to be just as excited as we are! New life is being born within us!...God is digging up what I "knew" to be true and He is transforming that!!...This is an exciting time! Be excited with us!
So, I am going to jump out of my raft and climb up to the cruise ship and sit back and enjoy the sunshine that only God provides! He is my life-rope out of there! And I am going to sit comfortably in the place that He has put me in! I am praying that the Holy Spirit washes over me takes this drought from my mind and heart and gives me an overflowing of joy!
Nathaniel & Amber
Subscribe To My Blog:
Posts
Comments
About Me
- Amber Claire Wienert
- I am 27 years old and married to my best friend, Nate. We are fun-loving and goofy. We really just enjoy laughing and having fun together and with our families! We just had our first child, Ford Edward, on January 6th, 2011.
5 comments:
well said Amber - I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. Keep holding on to Jesus!
Hey Amber,
I know we don't know each other very well but I think this is an amazing testimony. You ARE a mother. You have a mother's heart and I personally believe that adoption is just as miraculous as (or maybe even more so than!) conception.
I know a woman who had 4 daughters and when the youngest was 19, she decided to adopt two boys. She felt that God had gifted her with the resources, energy and heart to open her home to more children. The boys were half-brothers and their biological mother was a prostitute....so their biological fathers were unknown.
A year after she adopted the boys, the agency called and informed her that this woman was pregnant again and asked if she would be interested in adopting the baby and keeping the siblings together. She agreed.
It seemed as though every year she got that phone call....and now she is the proud mother of 4 grown daughters and SIX adorable, little adopted boys, boys who's future could have been filled with sorrow and neglect had she not come into their lives.
Conceiving a child is miraculous, but so is adoption...because in an adoption, not only is your child a miracle for you, you are a miracle for them!
Although I cannot empathize with the heart break of infertility, I celebrate the fact that there are women on the planet like you who become mother to the motherless. There's no greater gift and few greater callings.
Matthew 18:5, “Whoever receives a child in My name, receives Me.”
James 1:27, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.”
Be excited! You're right, one way or another, you will be parents and the child who is blessed enough to call you Mom and Dad will be miraculous and perfect, regardless of how he/she comes into your family.
The road of infertility can actually lead you to your child...a child you never would have known had this valley never happened.
Growing a child is one thing, being a Mom is a very different thing...the latter is much more important.
God Bless you!
Sometimes people don't realize how insensitive their comments can come across and whether or not it was intentional doesn't matter. Here's what matters:
You'll be a mom. And Nate will be a dad. And it doesn't matter how you both get there (i.e., pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting, you name it) but you'll get there. And when you get there, you'll know that there was a reason for it all and that you are right where God intended you to be.
Find peace in knowing that one day you'll look back on all of these feelings, hold your child in your arms and feel that it was worth it all completely. The road isn't always smooth, but it's what is at the conclusion of the journey that you have to keep your eyes on!
I love you!
I believe the moment we become parents, we understand what was always meant. Any of our own ideas of what parenthood looks like goes flying out the window when God blesses us with the privilege of being the caretakers of his children. As soon as you become a mom, no previous contemplations and concerns will matter. I thought the timing was wrong when I had my daughter. I'm so thankful God knew what I did not. I look forward to welcoming you to parenthood! You both will make great parents! Relax and rejoice, as God already has it all figured out and its His perfect plan for you! What could be better? - Angel
Amber,
I read your blog and your words seriously moved me. You are right, no one but you, your husband, and God know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.
I will say that I have been down a similar path. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for over 10 years. We had a plan…marry, wait five years, and then start our family. We were so careful those first years that when we stopped using protection in the fifth year, we thought we would get pregnant month one. Month after month went by with no baby. We tried everything, saw all the right doctors, and just knew it was going to happen anytime. Every heartbreaking month that would go by was another blow for us and the years began to add up. The funny thing is, we were one of the first of my friends to get married, but one of the last to have children. Every year, people would say, “When are you two going to start a family? You better hurry.” Little did they know how hard we were trying, and how much pressure we felt because we wanted children so badly. Like you, we had a stopping point. There were more procedures and things they could have done which may have worked, but we had had enough, and decided we were going to start our family another way….adoption. It’s amazing hearing your story, because we heard all of those same things. People try to identify, and think they understand, but truly, they speak in ignorance (I say this in love, but it is true). When I heard things like that (“I hope you can have kids of YOUR OWN some day.”), it saddened me, and made me question my choice to adopt, but I realized that Steve and I were the only ones that needed to be ok with choosing an adoption plan to create our family. We knew that if we made the choice to adopt, we would love that baby as if we had conceived him.
Don’t get me wrong, we went through a mourning period as well. I remember that short period of euphoria you are talking about right after you choose to adopt. There is a weight that is lifted because you now KNOW you will have children. Steve and I also had a very real discussion about choosing adoption, and for us, it was a real relief that we both felt like this was the right choice for our family (it is not right for everyone), but then came a period of serious mourning. We wanted to conceive a child. It was always our plan, and we went through a period of sadness and loss at not being able to experience the miracle of birthing a child. But God knew our heart’s desire, and my prayer became this, “God, you know my desire, now show me Your will, and make Your desires mine”. And he did just that!
Once we got through that time of mourning, we found new joy in God’s plan for our family. I will jump forward and tell you that last year, June 5th to be exact, we were united with our son Cohen. Steve and I have been married for 16 years, and we are having the time of our lives. Cohen is OUR son, and our heart and joy. He was worth waiting for, and I could not imagine my life without him.
Let me warn you…adoption is not for the faint of heart, but judging by your blog…..that’s not you:)! The ignorant, insanely crazy comments made by well-intentioned family, friends, co-workers, etc. only get more creative and well….crazy :), but there are books and info geared just for questions and comments such as the ones you mentioned, and you will become very creative at answering them.
I will continue to pray for you and Nate as you continue your journey to begin a family….whatever that will look like for you. God has a very specific plan for you two and I can’t wait to see what he has in store. Feel free to email me if you ever need anything or have any questions.
Richelle Calicott
Post a Comment