April FOOLS

Emphasis on the word "fool." That is pretty much how I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had to use the restroom. Well, today was test day, so I decided it was the best time to test...but much to my dismay, the test was negative. Should I be surprised?

A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."

Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.

We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.

I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.

Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.

A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.