My God is mighty to save.

First of all, let me just say that we have an incredible God. Above all else, I just want everyone to know how amazing He is! Let me also tell you a little trait that I learned about Him...He is an 11th hour God! And thinking back on popular Bible stories, it's true that He was the same then as He is now. He may not spare us pain and hardship all the time, but He certainly comes in and saves us!!! I cannot stop singing the song, "My God is mighty to save" by Hillsong. It's so true.

So you might be wondering what I am talking about...well...I AM PREGNANT! Nate and I found out by taking a test last night (and another test...and another test...) and then we confirmed it with a blood test today! My numbers look great -- and I am officially pregnant!

What floors me is this...this was our last month of fertility treatments. Next step was adoption. And yesterday...my goal was to talk to the adoption agency and lay out all of our plans for adoption. Well, the phone calls were inexplicably staticy and I couldn't hear a word the adoption agency was saying...it was frustrating...but I was reminded by God, in that moment, that even if adoption is not working out, that we prayed for HIS WILL to be done, and it WILL be done.

So, I finished the afternoon with ZERO accomplished in the adoption planning...and just gave it up to God. And then...what do you know...took a test and it was positive! God is amazing. Have I already said that?!?! :)

Without this journey...we would not know that we really desire to adopt. Just because we are having a child of our own, that desire is still deep within us. We still plan on adopting in the future -- and that is not something we would have known without the process of infertility.

So...right now...we are praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy and baby. I already find myself praying for the baby -- that God keeps him/her safe. And I really don't doubt that He will. The next blood test is on Monday -- and it will further confirm that my levels are rising, as they should.

But so far so good!!!!! :)

Thanks everyone for the prayers!!!!! I really, really mean it!

My life's prayer.

Psalm 143:7-10 (The Message translation)

7-10 "Hurry with your answer, God!
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland."

IUI3 [the final one] & other notable events

First thing this morning, I want to just give God glory for His perfect timing, His perfect will, and His unending love for us! He and I frequently battled over the last 17 months, but in the process, He refined my heart. And I am so thankful for that! I needed it...badly.

Well, yesterday Nate and I woke up at 4am and drove to Jacksonville for our 7am appointment to do the last IUI (#3). On Friday evening, I gave myself the HCG shot and we insisted to our doctor that we wait at least 36 hours before we do the IUI. I felt like our doctor was timing it wrong and was missing my brief ovulation window; so, we become advocates for our own health and decided, as our last try, to do it OUR timing. This will leave no question marks or "what ifs" for the future. We tried clomid, we tried femara, we tried natural, we tried IUIs, we tried the doctor's timing (twice), and we tried our timing (once), so that left no stone unturned.

Because it was a Sunday morning, the on-call doctor performed the IUI. I found him to be very personable, and he made it a great experience; except, it was much more painful than the past IUIs. I don't know why that is...but I am still feeling a bit of discomfort from it. I'm not complaining, it just makes me curious as to why it never hurt in the past.

So all in all, I'm glad we stuck it out and finished this month strong. We will know the outcome in approximately 14 days...but either way, we are excited, because God is totally in control! And these days, I'm finding that completely exciting!! Whatever happens is His will...isn't that cool?

If the test is negative and this month is a failure (although not really a failure), then we will start the home study in May to begin the adoption process. This is also something that excites me. Even if we are pregnant, for our next try at parenthood, we would like to adopt. I believe God has laid this on both of our hearts for a very big reason. And I do not want to forget or ignore that calling.

In other news, Nate is starting his new job today! New jobs can be scary to walk into, so I am praying for peace for him today and that it is a smooth transition. I know he is excited and nervous all at the same time! We have big changes coming -- it is all very exciting!

No tragedy.

Lately I have become very isolated. I know I am doing it to myself; but, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows exactly what I am going through. They can sympathize, and they can imagine, but they don't really know. I feel like I am in stuck in the ocean in a blow-up raft while everyone else is sailing on a cruise ship. I can see everyone having a great time on their ship and I want to be there too...but I am so worried about staying afloat, that I can't seem to find a way to jump out of my own raft and climb up to their ship. And any time someone screams over the side of the ship, "Hey! Why so serious?!...come have a good time!!" I think, "Well, I would like to, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in this raft and have to worry about staying alive."

I have SO MUCH on my mind lately. And my mind is constantly going...even in sleep. I hardly feel rested, and am constantly on the verge of tears...because I am drowning in my worries.

My entire life I have known only one thing: I want to grow up, marry an amazing man (which I did, thank God!), and become a mom (specifically, a stay-at-home mom). That's all. That is it. If I had to sum up my dreams and ambitions in one sentence it would be: Get married and have babies. Simple as that. So, suddenly I find myself in the position where my life, as I knew it to be, is turned upside-down. All of a sudden, my definition of "mother" has to change. And my goals have to shift. And my actions have to be held accountable to my God who is directing my life. So, just because I want to have a baby grow in my belly, does not mean that is what I get. Because we feel very strongly about the fact that God does not want us to do invitro fertilization.

So here we are...if this month is unsuccessful, we have decided to adopt. For about a week, after we made that decision, I felt on top of the world! I was soooooo excited!! I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders! I felt freed from the bondage of infertility!...Until the comments started coming in...people say things like, "Well, I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own." Or, "I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" Or, "Wow, well, good luck...that takes a strong person." And all of these are harmless comments, on the surface, but if you dissect them, they are hurtful to someone who has dealt with this and has come to terms with it. Let me tell you what I hear when you say the following:

-"I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own" = "After you adopt, maybe you can have a REAL child and REALLY be a mom someday."
-"I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" = "Your living, breathing, adopted child is not a miracle..." (when, to us, it will be!)
-"That takes a strong person" = "It must be hard to settle."

So, first of all, I want it to be known, that if Nathaniel and I adopt, it will be OUR child, just as much as anyone else has his/her children. Second of all, I do not want anyone to feel "bad" for us. If we adopt, then we have accepted that is the route that God wants us to become parents. It is not a lesser form of parenthood, nor is it fake parenthood. It is real. And whether or not a child comes from your particular womb, does not make you a father/mother. What makes you a father/mother is getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries, feeding your child, picking them up when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, holding their hands when they start to walk, letting them sleep with you in a thunderstorm, disciplining them in love, listening to their hopes/dreams, mentoring their hearts, etc.

What I have come to accept is: there is no tragedy here! Nathaniel and I will be parents, one way or another. And God is the One who chooses which path we take...not us! Yes, there is a bit of sadness. As we bury the dreams of what we THOUGHT parenthood was, new life is born in the form of what we are learning parenthood really is! There is joy in the sadness.

So...I am putting all of this out there to start climbing out of my raft. I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself...and I am done expecting others to understand what I am going through. I am also done worrying about what others say and think. I want our friends and family to be just as excited as we are! New life is being born within us!...God is digging up what I "knew" to be true and He is transforming that!!...This is an exciting time! Be excited with us!

So, I am going to jump out of my raft and climb up to the cruise ship and sit back and enjoy the sunshine that only God provides! He is my life-rope out of there! And I am going to sit comfortably in the place that He has put me in! I am praying that the Holy Spirit washes over me takes this drought from my mind and heart and gives me an overflowing of joy!

The crazy cycle.

Well, I just had my 1st ultrasound of the cycle and got the "all clear" from my doctor to begin the crazy cycle for our next and final IUI attempt. I am switching fertility drugs from Clomid to Femara this month, as a means of switching things up, because what we were doing obviously was not working. I feel semi-excited just to change things, even in the slightest way. I truly believe that if you have the same factors, then you will have the same outcomes...and I wanted to change at least one factor. Praise the Lord for the small excitements that come along with this process...without them, I think I would lose what little sanity I have left. :)

Please continue to pray with Nate and myself as we embark on some very tough decisions, that we hoped we would never have to contemplate. We believe we have narrowed our options down to two (for the time being): A mini IVF or starting the adoption process. Both are costly...but both would be worth all the money in the world.

As we begin this month, I have made a small adjustment. Instead of just pushing forward and doing anything and everything possible to be a parent, I want to stop at each decision and ask God to close the doors He wants closed and open the doors He wants opened. I know that seems like such a small detail, but it is a detail that I forgot to consider many times on this journey...and I refuse to forget it from now on. We are confused at which way to turn, and we are just praying for God's clear and obvious direction.

Thanks for all of the prayers! We love our supportive friends and family!

April FOOLS

Emphasis on the word "fool." That is pretty much how I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had to use the restroom. Well, today was test day, so I decided it was the best time to test...but much to my dismay, the test was negative. Should I be surprised?

A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."

Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.

We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.

I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.

Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.

A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.