This week included a range of emotions. I felt everything from hope to despair, excitement to boredom, stress to joy, and so on! After so many months of heartache, I am having a difficult time letting myself feel excitement at all. Which is why I have already started the self-preservation process of talking myself out of the possible success of this month's IUI. I am fully convinced that the timing was off, so I really do not have high expectations for a positive outcome or a BFP (big fat positive), as used in "trying to conceive" lingo.
This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.
Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)
Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.
Until the next update...
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Screaming from the rooftops
A blog is intended to be an emotional outlet and I desperately need a method of letting my feelings and exhaustions released in a constructive manner. This blog has been primarily dedicated to the updating of Nate and my life together, and that update would not be complete without a description of our entire life. Nathaniel and I are on a journey together. Here is our story.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
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