IUI3 [the final one] & other notable events

First thing this morning, I want to just give God glory for His perfect timing, His perfect will, and His unending love for us! He and I frequently battled over the last 17 months, but in the process, He refined my heart. And I am so thankful for that! I needed it...badly.

Well, yesterday Nate and I woke up at 4am and drove to Jacksonville for our 7am appointment to do the last IUI (#3). On Friday evening, I gave myself the HCG shot and we insisted to our doctor that we wait at least 36 hours before we do the IUI. I felt like our doctor was timing it wrong and was missing my brief ovulation window; so, we become advocates for our own health and decided, as our last try, to do it OUR timing. This will leave no question marks or "what ifs" for the future. We tried clomid, we tried femara, we tried natural, we tried IUIs, we tried the doctor's timing (twice), and we tried our timing (once), so that left no stone unturned.

Because it was a Sunday morning, the on-call doctor performed the IUI. I found him to be very personable, and he made it a great experience; except, it was much more painful than the past IUIs. I don't know why that is...but I am still feeling a bit of discomfort from it. I'm not complaining, it just makes me curious as to why it never hurt in the past.

So all in all, I'm glad we stuck it out and finished this month strong. We will know the outcome in approximately 14 days...but either way, we are excited, because God is totally in control! And these days, I'm finding that completely exciting!! Whatever happens is His will...isn't that cool?

If the test is negative and this month is a failure (although not really a failure), then we will start the home study in May to begin the adoption process. This is also something that excites me. Even if we are pregnant, for our next try at parenthood, we would like to adopt. I believe God has laid this on both of our hearts for a very big reason. And I do not want to forget or ignore that calling.

In other news, Nate is starting his new job today! New jobs can be scary to walk into, so I am praying for peace for him today and that it is a smooth transition. I know he is excited and nervous all at the same time! We have big changes coming -- it is all very exciting!

No tragedy.

Lately I have become very isolated. I know I am doing it to myself; but, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows exactly what I am going through. They can sympathize, and they can imagine, but they don't really know. I feel like I am in stuck in the ocean in a blow-up raft while everyone else is sailing on a cruise ship. I can see everyone having a great time on their ship and I want to be there too...but I am so worried about staying afloat, that I can't seem to find a way to jump out of my own raft and climb up to their ship. And any time someone screams over the side of the ship, "Hey! Why so serious?!...come have a good time!!" I think, "Well, I would like to, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in this raft and have to worry about staying alive."

I have SO MUCH on my mind lately. And my mind is constantly going...even in sleep. I hardly feel rested, and am constantly on the verge of tears...because I am drowning in my worries.

My entire life I have known only one thing: I want to grow up, marry an amazing man (which I did, thank God!), and become a mom (specifically, a stay-at-home mom). That's all. That is it. If I had to sum up my dreams and ambitions in one sentence it would be: Get married and have babies. Simple as that. So, suddenly I find myself in the position where my life, as I knew it to be, is turned upside-down. All of a sudden, my definition of "mother" has to change. And my goals have to shift. And my actions have to be held accountable to my God who is directing my life. So, just because I want to have a baby grow in my belly, does not mean that is what I get. Because we feel very strongly about the fact that God does not want us to do invitro fertilization.

So here we are...if this month is unsuccessful, we have decided to adopt. For about a week, after we made that decision, I felt on top of the world! I was soooooo excited!! I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders! I felt freed from the bondage of infertility!...Until the comments started coming in...people say things like, "Well, I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own." Or, "I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" Or, "Wow, well, good luck...that takes a strong person." And all of these are harmless comments, on the surface, but if you dissect them, they are hurtful to someone who has dealt with this and has come to terms with it. Let me tell you what I hear when you say the following:

-"I hope one day you'll still get to have a child of your own" = "After you adopt, maybe you can have a REAL child and REALLY be a mom someday."
-"I hope you experience the miracle of life...it's so amazing!!" = "Your living, breathing, adopted child is not a miracle..." (when, to us, it will be!)
-"That takes a strong person" = "It must be hard to settle."

So, first of all, I want it to be known, that if Nathaniel and I adopt, it will be OUR child, just as much as anyone else has his/her children. Second of all, I do not want anyone to feel "bad" for us. If we adopt, then we have accepted that is the route that God wants us to become parents. It is not a lesser form of parenthood, nor is it fake parenthood. It is real. And whether or not a child comes from your particular womb, does not make you a father/mother. What makes you a father/mother is getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries, feeding your child, picking them up when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, holding their hands when they start to walk, letting them sleep with you in a thunderstorm, disciplining them in love, listening to their hopes/dreams, mentoring their hearts, etc.

What I have come to accept is: there is no tragedy here! Nathaniel and I will be parents, one way or another. And God is the One who chooses which path we take...not us! Yes, there is a bit of sadness. As we bury the dreams of what we THOUGHT parenthood was, new life is born in the form of what we are learning parenthood really is! There is joy in the sadness.

So...I am putting all of this out there to start climbing out of my raft. I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself...and I am done expecting others to understand what I am going through. I am also done worrying about what others say and think. I want our friends and family to be just as excited as we are! New life is being born within us!...God is digging up what I "knew" to be true and He is transforming that!!...This is an exciting time! Be excited with us!

So, I am going to jump out of my raft and climb up to the cruise ship and sit back and enjoy the sunshine that only God provides! He is my life-rope out of there! And I am going to sit comfortably in the place that He has put me in! I am praying that the Holy Spirit washes over me takes this drought from my mind and heart and gives me an overflowing of joy!

The crazy cycle.

Well, I just had my 1st ultrasound of the cycle and got the "all clear" from my doctor to begin the crazy cycle for our next and final IUI attempt. I am switching fertility drugs from Clomid to Femara this month, as a means of switching things up, because what we were doing obviously was not working. I feel semi-excited just to change things, even in the slightest way. I truly believe that if you have the same factors, then you will have the same outcomes...and I wanted to change at least one factor. Praise the Lord for the small excitements that come along with this process...without them, I think I would lose what little sanity I have left. :)

Please continue to pray with Nate and myself as we embark on some very tough decisions, that we hoped we would never have to contemplate. We believe we have narrowed our options down to two (for the time being): A mini IVF or starting the adoption process. Both are costly...but both would be worth all the money in the world.

As we begin this month, I have made a small adjustment. Instead of just pushing forward and doing anything and everything possible to be a parent, I want to stop at each decision and ask God to close the doors He wants closed and open the doors He wants opened. I know that seems like such a small detail, but it is a detail that I forgot to consider many times on this journey...and I refuse to forget it from now on. We are confused at which way to turn, and we are just praying for God's clear and obvious direction.

Thanks for all of the prayers! We love our supportive friends and family!

April FOOLS

Emphasis on the word "fool." That is pretty much how I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had to use the restroom. Well, today was test day, so I decided it was the best time to test...but much to my dismay, the test was negative. Should I be surprised?

A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."

Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.

We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.

I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.

Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.

A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.

Nerves.

I am nervous. Test day is fast approaching. I feel like a lot if riding on this month being successful. Statistically, the chances of getting pregnant after this month decrease each month from here on. But, I know our God is not a God of statistics.

But most importantly, I am tired. My mind, body, and soul are all tired. This process has taken a toll on me and I just keep praying that it is over soon.

Nate and I have a lot of difficult decisions coming up over the next month, should this month not be successful. I am praying that God spares us those tough decisions and gives us a great blessing that we have been praying for!

There is a part of me that is just certain that this is the month. We have come too far to be pessimistic. We have far better of a God than to doubt His ability. The other (small) part of me wants to protect myself by continually finding reasons why I do not think I am pregnant. I am fighting that part of me and trying to find solace in the fact that God is good. Everything He does is good...even if I never am pregnant.

"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action..." Matthew 18:20 (The Message)

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PCOS Fact:
PCOS is the most common hormonal problem in women. It is a metabolic disorder that effects several body systems and can cause significant long-term health consequences. PCOS is often characterized by enlarged ovaries, with multiple small painless cysts or follicles that form in the ovary. It is the leading cause of infertility in women.
Source: http://projectpcos.org

IUI2

Well, on Wednesday, March 17, Nate and I went back to Jacksonville for IUI #2. We just returned from a rainy vacation, so the last thing we wanted to do was wake up at 5:30am to hit the road for Jacksonville, BUT it is what our doctor strongly recommended (after a Tuesday morning ultrasound).

So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.

As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.

Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
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PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.

PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.

Close [but no cigar].

It wasn't our month. Perhaps March will be. And so begins the ultrasounds, the clomid, the hcg shot, the IUI...and the worst part of all...the waiting...

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14