2009. The year of maturity.

At the end of each year, I like to take a look back at the trials, blessings, and events of the previous 365 days. This year, however, I had some difficulties overcoming my feeling of bitterness towards the year 2009. As Nate and I rang in the new year, I found myself welcoming 2010 more than I found myself missing 2009, which is unusual for myself. New Years Day was more about embracing a fresh start than it was about reminiscing a year lost.

Why, you ask, was 2009 so awful? In a nutshell, it wasn't. After all, I have had many (many!) worse years. It just took me a few days to see how wonderfully blessed 2009 was for me.

The Trials:
In the midst of trials, it is hard to see blessings. But according to the Bible, trials ARE blessings. The Book of Romans (5: 3-4) says that trial creates perseverance, which creates character, which creates hope. So, trials lead to hope. The book of James (1: 2-4) says that suffering develops perseverance and perseverance develops into maturity. Verse 4 tell us to not rush the process because we do not want to lack the maturity we need. So let's just call 2009 the year of maturity. Looking forward to 2010, I hope that 2009's maturity leads to growth, in many ways. :)

The Blessings:
Nate is the biggest blessing in my life. I literally feel like the luckiest woman in the world, because I was blessed with such an amazing, thoughtful, strong man of God. We completed our first FULL year as husband & wife. I can honestly say it was wonderful!! As if that is not enough, my mom was also cancer-free throughout 2009. And to add to that, although both of our jobs may not be our "dream jobs," we both still HAVE jobs, which we try to remember to praise the Lord for providing.

The Events:
The noteworthy events of 2009 included:
-"Sisterhood" tattoo with Amy and Angela
-A spring vacation to Panama City Beach
-My first 5k race
-Getting together with my ENTIRE family in Ohio to tell my Grandpa Downing goodbye
-A new sister-in-law (welcome Leigh!)
-A trip to visit Scott in Greenville, SC
-Celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary
-A fall trip to a cabin in the N. Georgia mountains

Welcome 2010.

(I look forward to you what you have to offer.)

Hello fall.

I keep looking at the calendar and then doing a double-take. How is it October 1st already? Where has this year gone. Nate and I are anticipating our first wedding anniversary and busily making plans for a small getaway. I think we have decided on a short trip to the mountains (cost permitting).

This year has flown by, but not without its challenges. I never want people to think that Nate and I live a perfect life; even though it is completely blessed. Our marriage sets upon a solid foundation, one that, even if it shakes, we know will never crack. It is a safe haven for life's battles. The list of struggles we faced this year are small in number, but great in significance.

Lately, my life's theme has been "surrender." I have held on to so many dreams, considering them my prerogative, when in reality, my only prerogative is to love and be loved by a gracious God who WILL fulfill the desires of my heart (in His time). I like to tell myself that I am giving control to God, but I keep Him on a leash. My head says, "In God's time..." but my heart says, "...if God's time is SOON." The real test of the heart is if we love and trust God even if we never receive our dreams and desires. If I knew right now that I would never live my dream, would I still say, "I love you Lord and I will always worship You." I've been throwing that question around in my mind for the past two days because I honestly could not decide where my heart was on this matter. I am a big user of the word "BUT" and I throw it out to God a lot. "But...certainly You wouldn't do that to me," or "I love you, BUT please give me what I want." And every time I asked myself the question, I found myself saying, "But..."

And I feel over and over again that God was waiting for me to be able to say "I love you Lord and I will always worship You, EVEN if..." instead of, "But...." He has really been working on me in the last few months...and I am grateful for that!...I have a tendency of being very callous and cold, I think it is a personality thing, but it spills over into my relationship with God sometimes too. And just this morning, it clicked to me. And for the first time, in a LONG time, I could say, "God...I love You and I will always worship YOU, even if..."

Sometimes the biggest growth is in making a decision that goes against what your flesh wants because it is where your soul feels peace.

Worship

This morning I read a quote by Tedd Trip (author of Shepherding a Child's Heart). In regards to children, he said, "It is not the question: if he (she) will worship, but who he (she) will worship."

I do not consider myself a very deep-thinker, so when I hear a quote or see a picture that stops me in my tracks, I have to conclude that God is trying to teach me something. This quote rocked my brain while contemplating it and I started thinking about it in different contexts.

At each moment, if we are not worshiping God (in our actions, words, thoughts, attitudes, or even by literally worshiping to music, etc) then we are worshiping someone (or something) else. And I have to admit that usually that something (someone) else is myself. I, by nature, am a selfish person. I like to blame it on being the baby of the family, raised mostly as an "only child" (as my sisters were grown and out of the house by the time I was 10). I spent a lot of time alone, being in control of my own atmosphere. Throughout any given day, the following thoughts frequently flow through my mind:

- "That's not fair to me."
- "Why am I not being rewarded?"
- "What about me?"
- "I don't have the time for that."
- "Do I look okay?"
- "I am fat."

How sick does it sound for me to say that I think I am a self-worshiper? Pretty sick! God created me to worship Him and instead He sits back and waits while I, first worship myself, and then "when the time is right," turn my focus to Him.

I sat here for a while trying to think of a convenient way to sum up this blog...maybe a conclusion I reached that somehow fixes my self-worshiping problem. A "lightbulb moment" (thanks Oprah), if you will. But the reality is that I am just a work in progress. All I can do is put it in His hands, live in His grace and take each moment as an opportunity to serve our Creator.

5kizzle

On May 2nd, I ran in my first 5k (3.1 miles) race...and I am hooked! Lately, I have been spending more time running than cross training at the gym. It was a total blast and I cannot wait until my next race!

Nate ran the 10k (6.2 miles). I am not quite there yet, but I hope that I will be soon! My goal is to run a half marathon (13.1 miles) on October 31st. Our anniversary is November 1st, so we may run the race the night before and celebrate our one-year anniversary by basking in a sense of accomplishment.

Time

Nate and I went on vacation last week. It was glorious. By the end of the week, we were not aware of what time of the day it was because we were on no one's schedule but our own. Who cares if we went to bed at 1am, because we could sleep in if we wanted, or get up if we wanted. *Sigh* But back to work we go. Everything seems to be time-oriented in the real world. I am so acutely aware of the time that it dictates what I do and how I feel about doing it. I go to sleep by 10:30pm, because I have to wake up by 6:30am because I have to be at work by 7:30am and I eat snacks every two hours, then leave work at 4:30pm, then do cardio at the gym for 50-60 minutes, then leave the gym by 6:00pm, to get home in time to shower, eat dinner, take care of the dogs and spend time with my husband before (what do you know?) it is 10:30pm again. Such is life.

And speaking of time, it seems time has taken it's toll on Drake (our shih-tzu). He is approximately 10 years old now and arthritis has set in his body. He is slowly becoming more and more drained, laying down more often and not running around nearly as much. It seems his body is turning on him and it is extremely hard to watch. We now have him on some medicine and we are praying that helps him be more comfortable VERY soon.

Time is a funny thing. We do not really know how much of it we have, but yet we spend most of it waiting for the next hour to come. I long to worry more about just enjoying the time I have than worry about the time of day it is.

25.

I am 25 years and two days old. I will spare you the details on how I am not where I always thought I would be by the age of 25, and will choose to share the details of where I AM at the age of 25.



I am:



-Saved by grace. Growing up in a Christian home is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because you grow up in church and hear constant encouragement to grow in a friendship with Christ; however, you hear it so much that you become accustomed to it and it becomes routine instead of REAL. For many years I felt numb to God, but in the last few years, He thawed out my heart and I felt real grace for the first time.



-Married to the man of my dreams ♥. I do not mean this in a cliche way. I simply mean, that from the time I was old enough to know what I wanted in marriage, the person I pictured was Nate. I did not know what his face looked like or his hair color...but I knew I wanted a man of integrity, that possessed spiritual leadership, was handsome, was wise, and was HILARIOUS. That man is Nate. He is a man's man with a kind heart. It is a perfect combination.



-In the Bellefontaine Examiner. Yesterday, my Grandpa Downing found an article in the Bellefontaine Examiner that highlighted events from 25 years ago. In the article, it posted my birth announcement from April 5, 1984. Pretty neat!



-Driven. There was a time (and honestly, it was not so long ago) when I wondered what kind of person I was really choosing to become. I felt lazy, unmotivated, and rude. I wondered if this is who I was. I liked watching tv, I disliked working and that was that. Today, I am proud to say that I find joy in work. I wake up early and go to my job (it may not be my dream job, but God has provided me with it), I leave my job and and work some more (only this time, on my body), after working-out I go home and let the dogs out, feed the dogs, maybe throw the dishes in the dishwasher, perhaps finally pull the laundry out of the dyer and fold it, maybe even water the flowers. And when it is time to enjoy my time with my hubby and relax, I enjoy that. But the point is... I am not lazy anymore and I no longer question what kind of person I am becoming...because NOW, I allow God to work in me.



-Still impatient. A work in progress. Please come back at a later date for more.



-Excited. I am so excited about the future. We have NO idea what is in front of us and sometimes that is scary, but overall, I cannot wait to see what God has waiting for Nate and me together.



-Healthy. I took 2009 as a challenge to get myself in the best shape of my life. I am learning that "healthy" is not a nicer way of saying "skinny," and I am closer to my goal of being healthy each day. Each time I pick up carrots instead of french fries, each time I look at the label for natural foods instead of preservatives, each time I put down the cookies and pick up the grapes are all small battles in the war towards a healthy life. I am thankful for my health and for the opportunity to be able to choose what foods go into my body.



-An aunt. I am "Aunt Amber" to Hunter, Autumn, Grace, Addison, Andrew, Randon and Leighton.



-Boring [to some]. I prefer sitting on the couch with my husband over a party (anyday!). I prefer waking up before 11am on the weekends, so we can actually enjoy the day. I prefer PG-13-rated movies over R-rated movies because I feel more secure about what is going in my mind. I'll take the cranberry juice, but hold the vodka please.



-Exciting [to others]. I have four tattoos and I think they are fun. I wear earrings that are unnecessarily long. I shop in the juniors section (from time-to-time) and try to keep up with the trends. I spend 3/4 of my morning putting on makeup (however, I have now added an anti-aging ritual). I want to go sky-diving...who is in?



-Loved. I am loved by the Creator of the universe. I could just stop there, but I will keep going...I am loved by my husband, my parents, my sisters, my nieces/nephews, my in-laws, my friends, and I will even venture to say that I am loved by some co-workers. :)



All in all, being 25 years old is not so shabby.☻

Man's Best Friend?

I love our dogs. I do! I love them at any hour of the day....as long as it's after 9:00 AM.

Drake has this new thing where he wakes up between 5:30 - 6:30 every morning. EVERY morning. For some reason, he did not get the memo that us Wienerts sleep in on the weekends. It is probably my fault, due to the fact that I wake up at 6:25 every weekday morning for work and he is on an automatic schedule...but I really wish he would find the joy in sleeping in as much as we do.

And Kylie. Good ole' Kylie. Besides the occassional backyard escape and curtain rip, she does not cause much trouble; however, she will randomly wake up in the middle of the night and pace the hardwood floors while whining. We still have not figured out what triggers this, but we believe it is usually because she hears something outside. It is hard to be mad at her for trying to protect us.

And last night, the two dogs and their habits were working together. Nate and I were up from 2:15 - 3:30 with Kylie, then back up with Drake at 5:30, and then my alarm lovingly went off at 6:25. Now I realize that things could be worse...but with the combination of my working out and never receiving a full night's sleep, my body is crying out for some much-needed fuel.

One of these days, I would like to just lay in bed all day and sleep. No exercise, no work, no worries, just sleep. Good, old fashioned sleep.