Well, I just had my 1st ultrasound of the cycle and got the "all clear" from my doctor to begin the crazy cycle for our next and final IUI attempt. I am switching fertility drugs from Clomid to Femara this month, as a means of switching things up, because what we were doing obviously was not working. I feel semi-excited just to change things, even in the slightest way. I truly believe that if you have the same factors, then you will have the same outcomes...and I wanted to change at least one factor. Praise the Lord for the small excitements that come along with this process...without them, I think I would lose what little sanity I have left. :)
Please continue to pray with Nate and myself as we embark on some very tough decisions, that we hoped we would never have to contemplate. We believe we have narrowed our options down to two (for the time being): A mini IVF or starting the adoption process. Both are costly...but both would be worth all the money in the world.
As we begin this month, I have made a small adjustment. Instead of just pushing forward and doing anything and everything possible to be a parent, I want to stop at each decision and ask God to close the doors He wants closed and open the doors He wants opened. I know that seems like such a small detail, but it is a detail that I forgot to consider many times on this journey...and I refuse to forget it from now on. We are confused at which way to turn, and we are just praying for God's clear and obvious direction.
Thanks for all of the prayers! We love our supportive friends and family!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April FOOLS
Emphasis on the word "fool." That is pretty much how I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had to use the restroom. Well, today was test day, so I decided it was the best time to test...but much to my dismay, the test was negative. Should I be surprised?
A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."
Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.
We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.
I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.
Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.
A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.
A part of me wants to say, "Ha ha, God...April Fools...right?!....right?!??!!..."
Some say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again, and expecting a different result. And that is the category that I now believe I fall into. I am not sure how long I can keep doing this...we are about to embark on our 16th cycle of TTC and I am losing the hope that I once had. For 15 cycles, we have had the same result, it's hard to imagine a time when that will change.
We have many tough decisions coming up!...Financially, we have to figure out how to fund the next steps. Mentally, we have to figure out how to push through this without losing our minds. Emotionally, we have to figure out how to fit the puzzle pieces back together so we can face the world and not fall apart at every turn (or every pregnant woman I see). And most importantly, spiritually, we have to figure out a way of continually reminding ourselves that GOD IS GOOD. And tears come to my eyes when I say that, because honestly, at times I have to FORCE myself to say that. It is hard to remember that He is good when you know He is all-powerful, He holds life in His hands, and He is the One who gives...and He is the One who takes away.
I would be lying if I said that in the wee hours of the morning, I didn't think, "Why do you hate me, God?" I would also be lying if I said that I didn't think, "What did we do wrong?" or "I am a failure." The thought of giving up goes through my head EVERY MONTH because it would be easier than subjecting myself to this pain...but according to God, perseverance creates maturity.
Please pray for us as we decide the next steps. We have several options and we will soon need to decide. We are considering another IUI with clomid, another IUI with femara, a Mini-IVF, a regular IVF, or stopping the madness altogether and starting the adoption process. These are huge life decisions, and we just want to do what God wants us to do. That's really all it boils down to.
A good friend pointed out to me that God does not give us unfilled desires because He enjoys watching us suffer; rather, He gives us desires and He fully intends on fulfilling those desires, to see the joy in our lives, in His perfect time. The definition of perfect is: Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement. His timing is the best...far beyond what our human minds can conceive. His timing is practical, flawless, and it all has meaning...it is NOT meaningless.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Nerves.
I am nervous. Test day is fast approaching. I feel like a lot if riding on this month being successful. Statistically, the chances of getting pregnant after this month decrease each month from here on. But, I know our God is not a God of statistics.
But most importantly, I am tired. My mind, body, and soul are all tired. This process has taken a toll on me and I just keep praying that it is over soon.
Nate and I have a lot of difficult decisions coming up over the next month, should this month not be successful. I am praying that God spares us those tough decisions and gives us a great blessing that we have been praying for!
There is a part of me that is just certain that this is the month. We have come too far to be pessimistic. We have far better of a God than to doubt His ability. The other (small) part of me wants to protect myself by continually finding reasons why I do not think I am pregnant. I am fighting that part of me and trying to find solace in the fact that God is good. Everything He does is good...even if I never am pregnant.
"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action..." Matthew 18:20 (The Message)
-------------------------------------------------------
PCOS Fact:
PCOS is the most common hormonal problem in women. It is a metabolic disorder that effects several body systems and can cause significant long-term health consequences. PCOS is often characterized by enlarged ovaries, with multiple small painless cysts or follicles that form in the ovary. It is the leading cause of infertility in women.
Source: http://projectpcos.org
But most importantly, I am tired. My mind, body, and soul are all tired. This process has taken a toll on me and I just keep praying that it is over soon.
Nate and I have a lot of difficult decisions coming up over the next month, should this month not be successful. I am praying that God spares us those tough decisions and gives us a great blessing that we have been praying for!
There is a part of me that is just certain that this is the month. We have come too far to be pessimistic. We have far better of a God than to doubt His ability. The other (small) part of me wants to protect myself by continually finding reasons why I do not think I am pregnant. I am fighting that part of me and trying to find solace in the fact that God is good. Everything He does is good...even if I never am pregnant.
"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action..." Matthew 18:20 (The Message)
-------------------------------------------------------
PCOS Fact:
PCOS is the most common hormonal problem in women. It is a metabolic disorder that effects several body systems and can cause significant long-term health consequences. PCOS is often characterized by enlarged ovaries, with multiple small painless cysts or follicles that form in the ovary. It is the leading cause of infertility in women.
Source: http://projectpcos.org
Saturday, March 20, 2010
IUI2
Well, on Wednesday, March 17, Nate and I went back to Jacksonville for IUI #2. We just returned from a rainy vacation, so the last thing we wanted to do was wake up at 5:30am to hit the road for Jacksonville, BUT it is what our doctor strongly recommended (after a Tuesday morning ultrasound).
So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.
As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.
Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
____________________________________
PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.
PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.
So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.
As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.
Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
____________________________________
PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.
PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Close [but no cigar].
It wasn't our month. Perhaps March will be. And so begins the ultrasounds, the clomid, the hcg shot, the IUI...and the worst part of all...the waiting...
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bruised by not broken (IUI1).
This week included a range of emotions. I felt everything from hope to despair, excitement to boredom, stress to joy, and so on! After so many months of heartache, I am having a difficult time letting myself feel excitement at all. Which is why I have already started the self-preservation process of talking myself out of the possible success of this month's IUI. I am fully convinced that the timing was off, so I really do not have high expectations for a positive outcome or a BFP (big fat positive), as used in "trying to conceive" lingo.
This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.
Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)
Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.
Until the next update...
This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.
Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)
Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.
Until the next update...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Screaming from the rooftops
A blog is intended to be an emotional outlet and I desperately need a method of letting my feelings and exhaustions released in a constructive manner. This blog has been primarily dedicated to the updating of Nate and my life together, and that update would not be complete without a description of our entire life. Nathaniel and I are on a journey together. Here is our story.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
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