I am nervous. Test day is fast approaching. I feel like a lot if riding on this month being successful. Statistically, the chances of getting pregnant after this month decrease each month from here on. But, I know our God is not a God of statistics.
But most importantly, I am tired. My mind, body, and soul are all tired. This process has taken a toll on me and I just keep praying that it is over soon.
Nate and I have a lot of difficult decisions coming up over the next month, should this month not be successful. I am praying that God spares us those tough decisions and gives us a great blessing that we have been praying for!
There is a part of me that is just certain that this is the month. We have come too far to be pessimistic. We have far better of a God than to doubt His ability. The other (small) part of me wants to protect myself by continually finding reasons why I do not think I am pregnant. I am fighting that part of me and trying to find solace in the fact that God is good. Everything He does is good...even if I never am pregnant.
"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action..." Matthew 18:20 (The Message)
-------------------------------------------------------
PCOS Fact:
PCOS is the most common hormonal problem in women. It is a metabolic disorder that effects several body systems and can cause significant long-term health consequences. PCOS is often characterized by enlarged ovaries, with multiple small painless cysts or follicles that form in the ovary. It is the leading cause of infertility in women.
Source: http://projectpcos.org
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
IUI2
Well, on Wednesday, March 17, Nate and I went back to Jacksonville for IUI #2. We just returned from a rainy vacation, so the last thing we wanted to do was wake up at 5:30am to hit the road for Jacksonville, BUT it is what our doctor strongly recommended (after a Tuesday morning ultrasound).
So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.
As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.
Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
____________________________________
PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.
PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.
So, he did another ultrasound and insisted that the timing was perfect. So, he gave me a small dose of an HCG shot (my body thanks him for the small dose...those shots take their toll on me!) and performed IUI #2. Thanks to the clomid, I had 3-4 good-sized eggs, and Nate's numbers were great, so the doctor (once again), had high hopes of a successful month for us. However, he did warn us that we only have 1-2 more tries with IUIs before we will need to turn to invitro fertilization (IVF). It was the first time that it really occurred to me that we are actually running out of chances. For the previous failed 15 cycles, I have told myself, "That's ok, we have many more chances..." but when he said that, I realized that we are running out of time. I can actually hear the clock ticking. So now, more than ever, I am asking for everyone's prayers. God is a miracle worker. He speaks life into existance. Please pray that he spares us the financial, spiritual, and physical pain of IVF and gives us the miracle of life before IVF is even an option.
As much as I would like to protect myself from the pain of crushed hope, I have decided that this month, I am going to put 100% faith in God and ignore the doubts that my mind creates. I am BELIEVING that this is the month. Another change I am making this month, is during the two week wait (the time after the IUI and before I can test for pregnancy), I am not allowing myself to count down the days. In fact, I have told Nate the date that I can test, and I am doing everything I can to forget what day of the month it is so I cannot obsess about symptoms, feelings, pains, etc that may or may not be associated with pregnancy.
Thanks for reading. As always, we appreciate all of the prayer and support we receive from our friends and family!
____________________________________
PCOS Awareness - In case you are curious what PCOS is, I will try to include a "PCOS fact" in each blog. It is something that I went undiagnosed with for YEARS, and I would love to spare other women the pain of not knowing why they are struggling with infertility.
PCOS Fact:
The cause of polycystic ovarian syndrom (PCOS) is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. If you have PCOS, your sisters and daughters have a 50% chance of developing PCOS.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Close [but no cigar].
It wasn't our month. Perhaps March will be. And so begins the ultrasounds, the clomid, the hcg shot, the IUI...and the worst part of all...the waiting...
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bruised by not broken (IUI1).
This week included a range of emotions. I felt everything from hope to despair, excitement to boredom, stress to joy, and so on! After so many months of heartache, I am having a difficult time letting myself feel excitement at all. Which is why I have already started the self-preservation process of talking myself out of the possible success of this month's IUI. I am fully convinced that the timing was off, so I really do not have high expectations for a positive outcome or a BFP (big fat positive), as used in "trying to conceive" lingo.
This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.
Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)
Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.
Until the next update...
This week (Monday) started with an ultrasound. It showed that I have three very large eggs and many more smaller eggs, which is a GREAT outcome! The doctor called us in for an IUI the following morning (Tuesday), and instructed me to give myself the HCG shot Monday evening. Well, done and done. The IUI experience was terrific!...Nate's part in the experience was terrific as well!...the doctor said we both looked great and have a wonderful chance at conceiving this month. We were full of hope on Tuesday afternoon.
Then Wednesday mid-morning set in and I realized that I ovulated bit later than I think the doctor anticipated. So therefore, I'm fairly certain that we missed our chance (it is a small window of opportunity). But I'm not God...and we all know that He has ultimate power and is the ultimate Healer. So, all things are possible. And if a BFP comes out, we all know that He is the one who made it happen! (Amen.)
Aside from all of that, the stress of working two jobs, being on medicines that effect my hormones (and therefore, my moods), and many sleepless nights have taken its toll on me. I just keep praying to God for a breakthrough. We are desperately seeking Him to work in this. He is at work somewhere...and we know He will bless us someday.
Until the next update...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Screaming from the rooftops
A blog is intended to be an emotional outlet and I desperately need a method of letting my feelings and exhaustions released in a constructive manner. This blog has been primarily dedicated to the updating of Nate and my life together, and that update would not be complete without a description of our entire life. Nathaniel and I are on a journey together. Here is our story.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
January 2009: Nate felt that the Lord was telling us to get off of birth control pills. He prayed about it and came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was being lead in this direction. He talked to me about it and asked me to pray about it as well. At that time, we had only been married for two months. My intial reaction was, "No way!" I selfishly wanted more time with Nate as "just us." However, after a lot of prayer, I supported and agreed with Nate's decision. We both felt it would be disobedient for us to continue using birth control pills. It was a leap of faith for us.
February - April 2009: We were not trying to get pregnant; however, we would have gladly welcome it if it happened.
May - July 2009: We actively pursued a pregnancy. God continued to work on our hearts and we felt fully drawn towards trying to get pregnant. We wanted it more than anything.
August - October 2009: We continued trying. I started using Ovulation Preditor Kits, taking my Basil Body Temperature, etc. We were doing everything we humanly could do to make it work. During this season, I became increasing sensative to other women's pregnancies. As with any other thing in life, when you want something so bad, it seems everyone else around you is getting it (and sooo easily!).
November 2009: We started some testing on Nate.
December 2009: At this time, I was defeated. I knew there were issues and I felt completely helpless. It had been 12 cycles of failure and I could not take it anymore. We were referred to a Fertiliy Specialist in Jacksonville, FL (Tallahassee does not have one). We made an appointment for early the following cycle.
January 2010: The journey began one year ago. I felt women were looking at me with pity and I despised it. I felt like less of a woman. It was (and is) a hard time. I struggled with the word "faith" because I questioned what it really meant!..."faith in what?!" Nothing seemed to work for us and I desperately wanted to give up. However, I also felt it would be disobedient to just give up because God was taking us on a path.
On January 6, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist (Dr. Winslow, whom we love!). It was a breath of fresh air because FINALLY, someone who knew what he was talking about...someone who could help us. He told me that he believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and he asked that Nate do more tests. He prescribed clomid to me to promote good/healthy eggs and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on my ovaries for nine days later.
On January 15 we went in for the ultrasound. It confirmed that I do have PCOS. PCOS is a hormone dysfunction that makes a woman's body create many small ovarian cysts instead of one, healthy egg, per month. However, the clomid worked and I had three healthy eggs. I was directed to give myself an HCG hormone shot to trigger ovulation on January 17 and we prayed for God to bless us that month. Nate's tests also came back somewhat abnormal, so we knew we were dealing with both male and female infertility factors.
February 2010 (current): The January cycle did not work. It just was not God's timing yet. Our church is doing a weekly Bible study called The Truth Project. This past Tuesday's study showed me that we don't "have faith in faith," like I've been struggling with, but we have faith in the TRUTH (God's truth). And the truth is that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I am finally able to accept that I DO have something to hold onto (God's truth; God's promises).
I plan to restart the clomid tomorrow and we will do the HCG shot to trigger ovulation again. Our doctor recommended that we do an IUI (intrauterine insemination) this month, as we are good candidates for the procedure. We are still in the process of praying about it, but we believe we will go forward with that procedure this month.
And here we are...this journey has been one of the most frustrating journeys of my entire life. I have gone through more emotions this past year than I have in my entire life. I have a supportive husband who loves me through my faults and encourages me in my struggles!...God blessed me with Nate!! We both have a strong desire in our hearts to be parents. Personally, I've been dreaming about being a mom since I was five years old. My ambition in life was to marry an incredible man (check!) and be a stay-at-home mom to minister to my kids lives. One part of that desire is complete and the other is promised (as a desire of my heart) but is still in process.
We appreciate and accept everyone's prayers. We love our family and friends for being a support system in the situation.
I will continue to update this blog. I needed a way to get my thoughts out of my own head and this seems like a great route.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2009. The year of maturity.
At the end of each year, I like to take a look back at the trials, blessings, and events of the previous 365 days. This year, however, I had some difficulties overcoming my feeling of bitterness towards the year 2009. As Nate and I rang in the new year, I found myself welcoming 2010 more than I found myself missing 2009, which is unusual for myself. New Years Day was more about embracing a fresh start than it was about reminiscing a year lost.
Why, you ask, was 2009 so awful? In a nutshell, it wasn't. After all, I have had many (many!) worse years. It just took me a few days to see how wonderfully blessed 2009 was for me.
The Trials:
In the midst of trials, it is hard to see blessings. But according to the Bible, trials ARE blessings. The Book of Romans (5: 3-4) says that trial creates perseverance, which creates character, which creates hope. So, trials lead to hope. The book of James (1: 2-4) says that suffering develops perseverance and perseverance develops into maturity. Verse 4 tell us to not rush the process because we do not want to lack the maturity we need. So let's just call 2009 the year of maturity. Looking forward to 2010, I hope that 2009's maturity leads to growth, in many ways. :)
The Blessings:
Nate is the biggest blessing in my life. I literally feel like the luckiest woman in the world, because I was blessed with such an amazing, thoughtful, strong man of God. We completed our first FULL year as husband & wife. I can honestly say it was wonderful!! As if that is not enough, my mom was also cancer-free throughout 2009. And to add to that, although both of our jobs may not be our "dream jobs," we both still HAVE jobs, which we try to remember to praise the Lord for providing.
The Events:
The noteworthy events of 2009 included:
-"Sisterhood" tattoo with Amy and Angela
-A spring vacation to Panama City Beach
-My first 5k race
-Getting together with my ENTIRE family in Ohio to tell my Grandpa Downing goodbye
-A new sister-in-law (welcome Leigh!)
-A trip to visit Scott in Greenville, SC
-Celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary
-A fall trip to a cabin in the N. Georgia mountains
Why, you ask, was 2009 so awful? In a nutshell, it wasn't. After all, I have had many (many!) worse years. It just took me a few days to see how wonderfully blessed 2009 was for me.
The Trials:
In the midst of trials, it is hard to see blessings. But according to the Bible, trials ARE blessings. The Book of Romans (5: 3-4) says that trial creates perseverance, which creates character, which creates hope. So, trials lead to hope. The book of James (1: 2-4) says that suffering develops perseverance and perseverance develops into maturity. Verse 4 tell us to not rush the process because we do not want to lack the maturity we need. So let's just call 2009 the year of maturity. Looking forward to 2010, I hope that 2009's maturity leads to growth, in many ways. :)
The Blessings:
Nate is the biggest blessing in my life. I literally feel like the luckiest woman in the world, because I was blessed with such an amazing, thoughtful, strong man of God. We completed our first FULL year as husband & wife. I can honestly say it was wonderful!! As if that is not enough, my mom was also cancer-free throughout 2009. And to add to that, although both of our jobs may not be our "dream jobs," we both still HAVE jobs, which we try to remember to praise the Lord for providing.
The Events:
The noteworthy events of 2009 included:
-"Sisterhood" tattoo with Amy and Angela
-A spring vacation to Panama City Beach
-My first 5k race
-Getting together with my ENTIRE family in Ohio to tell my Grandpa Downing goodbye
-A new sister-in-law (welcome Leigh!)
-A trip to visit Scott in Greenville, SC
-Celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary
-A fall trip to a cabin in the N. Georgia mountains
Welcome 2010.
(I look forward to you what you have to offer.)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Hello fall.
I keep looking at the calendar and then doing a double-take. How is it October 1st already? Where has this year gone. Nate and I are anticipating our first wedding anniversary and busily making plans for a small getaway. I think we have decided on a short trip to the mountains (cost permitting).
This year has flown by, but not without its challenges. I never want people to think that Nate and I live a perfect life; even though it is completely blessed. Our marriage sets upon a solid foundation, one that, even if it shakes, we know will never crack. It is a safe haven for life's battles. The list of struggles we faced this year are small in number, but great in significance.
Lately, my life's theme has been "surrender." I have held on to so many dreams, considering them my prerogative, when in reality, my only prerogative is to love and be loved by a gracious God who WILL fulfill the desires of my heart (in His time). I like to tell myself that I am giving control to God, but I keep Him on a leash. My head says, "In God's time..." but my heart says, "...if God's time is SOON." The real test of the heart is if we love and trust God even if we never receive our dreams and desires. If I knew right now that I would never live my dream, would I still say, "I love you Lord and I will always worship You." I've been throwing that question around in my mind for the past two days because I honestly could not decide where my heart was on this matter. I am a big user of the word "BUT" and I throw it out to God a lot. "But...certainly You wouldn't do that to me," or "I love you, BUT please give me what I want." And every time I asked myself the question, I found myself saying, "But..."
And I feel over and over again that God was waiting for me to be able to say "I love you Lord and I will always worship You, EVEN if..." instead of, "But...." He has really been working on me in the last few months...and I am grateful for that!...I have a tendency of being very callous and cold, I think it is a personality thing, but it spills over into my relationship with God sometimes too. And just this morning, it clicked to me. And for the first time, in a LONG time, I could say, "God...I love You and I will always worship YOU, even if..."
Sometimes the biggest growth is in making a decision that goes against what your flesh wants because it is where your soul feels peace.
This year has flown by, but not without its challenges. I never want people to think that Nate and I live a perfect life; even though it is completely blessed. Our marriage sets upon a solid foundation, one that, even if it shakes, we know will never crack. It is a safe haven for life's battles. The list of struggles we faced this year are small in number, but great in significance.
Lately, my life's theme has been "surrender." I have held on to so many dreams, considering them my prerogative, when in reality, my only prerogative is to love and be loved by a gracious God who WILL fulfill the desires of my heart (in His time). I like to tell myself that I am giving control to God, but I keep Him on a leash. My head says, "In God's time..." but my heart says, "...if God's time is SOON." The real test of the heart is if we love and trust God even if we never receive our dreams and desires. If I knew right now that I would never live my dream, would I still say, "I love you Lord and I will always worship You." I've been throwing that question around in my mind for the past two days because I honestly could not decide where my heart was on this matter. I am a big user of the word "BUT" and I throw it out to God a lot. "But...certainly You wouldn't do that to me," or "I love you, BUT please give me what I want." And every time I asked myself the question, I found myself saying, "But..."
And I feel over and over again that God was waiting for me to be able to say "I love you Lord and I will always worship You, EVEN if..." instead of, "But...." He has really been working on me in the last few months...and I am grateful for that!...I have a tendency of being very callous and cold, I think it is a personality thing, but it spills over into my relationship with God sometimes too. And just this morning, it clicked to me. And for the first time, in a LONG time, I could say, "God...I love You and I will always worship YOU, even if..."
Sometimes the biggest growth is in making a decision that goes against what your flesh wants because it is where your soul feels peace.
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